So I moved to Davis (6 hours from home). I was totally excited to move away from home and start a new life independent from my parents and make a bunch of new friends and have the real college experience I never had from my 2 years at CSUN.
And yes, all of those things happened. But now I've come to realize that it is not at all what I expected.
I moved away from home and I can do whatever the fuck I want but that results in me making more bad decisions because my parents aren't there to chastise me. Also, I never expected to be as homesick as I am now. Yeah, my family was dysfunctional but there was also so much love that I miss now. There's nothing harder than watching everyone go home every couple of weeks because they can. This weekend in particular was tough for me because a lot of people were gone including all my suitemates except Jocelyn. But her friends came up to visit her which reminded me that my friends can't just come visit out of the blue.
I never realized how accustomed I was to Korean food. At first, the dorm food was exciting because it was different and new but now I hardly eat anything when I eating at the dining commons because I'm never craving the stuff they have. What I'd do to have some kimchi chigae. My mom told me on the phone that she made mandu the other day and that killed me.
I've met a couple of people that I'm pretty close to already. But I can't help but think about my old friends that I miss so much. It really takes moving far away to realize what you lost. I feel like although I've made friends, they are just so different from the ones I had at home. They're just different. I feel like I act like a completely different around them and my old friends. I've talked about this with someone before but I feel like I have to be friends with people that understand my humor. It is one of the key components of my friendships. I feel like not everyone quite understands my humor and sarcasm and for that reason, I don't feel like I can really be myself. It's not bad here. It's just different. People here are different. I've gotten really close to Jocelyn and I feel like I can trust her and shit but at the same time we are completely different people so I feel like I can't relate to her in some ways which is fine because everyone is different but I just miss being able to talk about gay k-pop shit like I did with Monica and Nikki.
I know I wanted the college experience but now I realize what the college experience is: drama. Like my roommate was telling me, there's the first month when everything is great and you're just meeting all these great people and it's hunky dory. Well, that month is over and shit's starting to pile. I feel like I'm in high school sometimes with all the immature drama and stupid rumors being spread like wildfire. It's so difficult. I have some new problem everyday. It's just exhausting to make sure you don't get some kind of reputation. I don't know.
The quarter system's a bitch. At CSUN, I got away with like never studying and I got A's and B's. Here, the pace is so fast that if you don't study like everyday, you fail. I stupidly procrastinated and pulled an all-nighter for my chem midterm and ended up doing horribly. This is a weird concept for me because so far in my college experience, as long as I cram before a test, I do fine. It's just so different here. It's because this is a UC and the kids are obviously smarter. I don't think I've ever felt as dumb as I feel here. It's a horrible feeling because Ive always been one of the smart ones but now that I'm here, everyone's smart so I'm just dumb in comparison.
I find myself being super sensitive and emotional here. I sink into these depressions a lot more often now. I cry easily even though I hardly ever cried back at home. I drunk dial. I don't know if it's just me still adjusting to this new place but I hope it goes away because this homesickness has to stop and I have to accept Davis as my home.
